I asked my therapist if I will be diagnosed with post natal
depression or anxiety or both.
As I spoke I realized- why do I need to know? What is this constant desire to label
everything? It happens in society all
the time. We label our careers,
our sexuality, our social status.
Maybe if I fit into a category, there will be instructions on how to fix me.
So how did I get here? Could the physical rigors of being a new mom actually cause
post natal issues? The mind and body
are inexplicably linked so it makes sense that the newborn stage alone could make any sane person
crazy. Isn't sleep deprivation a form of torture?
I wish I started documenting these feelings earlier so I could see my progress. By progress I mean gone are the mornings Matt would leave for work
while tears streamed down my face. It's no coincidence that everyone in our house is getting more sleep lately.
Even though I don't feel hopeless most days, I must now deal with the residual effects of being in that state for the past few months. My thinking patterns have changed. I guess is why I asked the question- anxiety
or depression- in the first place. Now I feel less depressed and more anxious.
But what’s the difference really? Just two different words, two different labels. I might not cry as much but my hands tremble when I'm running late. There is work to be done.
The short answer- I won't be "diagnosed," but I will continue to go to sessions as long as I feel they are helpful.
So many women I know have shared their own battles with
me recently. These are women I
respect. They are educated, successful
and fun. Some are Moms (Mums) and some are not. Regardless, these women are constantly shadow boxing. We put so much pressure on ourselves that we have to fight to live up to our own expectations.
A good friend said to me recently; “You’re good at
everything you do- what makes you think being a Mom will be any different?”
It’s a fair question. Maybe it’s because nothing else I’ve ever
done in my life has mattered to me as much as this. And it's all relative.
More than anything else- I don't want Lavinia to learn to force herself into boxes or labels already created by society. Please my little baby, live outside the lines.
Labels: anxiety, healing, health, parenting, Post Natal Depression